I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
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Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.