Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Breakfast for Stoners:

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?