I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…