I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
This trial is so absurd 😭
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….