I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
are there any atheist mantises?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.