@Tmoney68

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

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@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@RobDa64

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@tweetsbyrocket

me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@Marlebean

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.