I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
i think both sides are to blame here
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
A collection of me turning into random objects.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur