“How did your grammar competition go?”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me: someone we know is possessed by an owl
me: [narrows eyes]
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
I hate everything
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.