I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

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Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.


Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings


“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]


I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.


DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.


I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.