Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry