I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.