I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You Might Also Like
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I’d hang this in my house.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
That de-escalated quickly
This could’ve been an email.
❤️❤️❤️
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.