I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Life cycle of cat
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Who did it better?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.