I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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incredible
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Strange
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.