I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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A great first step 😂
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.