I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back