I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
This is a bad sign
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.