Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

This has made my week.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker