Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Wise advice

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?