I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man