I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.