I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair