Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Blew out my flip flop…

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

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