I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves