I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Said the murderer.
