I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.