I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone