I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
You deplete me
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.