I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach