I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Why soy sad?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
is this store having a stroke wtf
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool