Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

why isn’t he texting back

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.