Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.