Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.