Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
this FaceApp is creepy af
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles