I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters