Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.