I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?