“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
A family that plays together cheats.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.