I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!