I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
nyc:
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that