I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there