Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.