“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
