Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?