“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
The two types of wives
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt