ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Jogging
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?