ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.