ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!