Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*