‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker