‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Print is alive and well!!!
mom had nothing to worry about
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Realize this:
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.