Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Cop lights are so pretty at night

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.