I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
we’re gonna need another temp
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.