I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.