I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?