Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM