I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”