I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
birds and squirrels envy us
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?