I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Just me and my debit card against the world
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.