I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When I snag the last meatball.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi