Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”