I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Left at a local drug store…
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger