Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

*seductively eats two tums*

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.