I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning