I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.