Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Nice try, NASA

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side