Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.