I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:![]()
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”