“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.