“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Woke up against my better judgement again
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.