Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

*aggressively waits in line*

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Breaking news:

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.