@Hobo_Splendido

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

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@dadthatwrites

“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers

@chuuew

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@maxoupial

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

@WillGlenwright

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

@AndyAsAdjective

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir