I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

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As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.


Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me


Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.


My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more


Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?


Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure


I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains


Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks