I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

You Might Also Like


“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers


Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?


What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.


I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.


It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.


Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no


Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up


captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir