Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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Gf:Do u love me?
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Gf: Like what?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.