@Hobo_Splendido

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

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@fishbowel

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@imence2

Gf:Do u love me?

Me:Yes.

Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?

Me:…

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@DurtMcHurtt

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@Donna_McCoy

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@MumInBits

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.