I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved