“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: