Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

can I use a minion as a tampon

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

first you must answer his riddles

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.