Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Hey I worked for it too!

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.